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Wow that is big.   Who gets to eat it?

eet's mine juu mether fackers....!!!

OH NOOO!!!! We all need to get our Muslamic ray guns!   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIPD8qHhtVU

UK CITIZENS who have not seen Disney animation Frozen are to be forced to watch it or face imprisonment.

 

Letters sent out yesterday give everyone a time and cinema at which to enjoy the hit animated musical. Those refusing to attend face up to twelve years in jail.

 

Home Secretary Theresa May said: “It is an absolute outrage that some members of our society think they don’t have to learn the words to Let It Go just because they are childless adults.

 

“It is every citizen’s duty to watch this film, have a conversation with a child about it and decide which sister they most identify with, within the next 72 hours.”

 

The screenings, which will go on through the night, will be immediately followed by a second set of screenings so that everyone has seen the film twice.

 

Viewing Frozen a third time is not mandatory, but those failing to do so will have their passports confiscated.

 

It is the largest initiative of its kind since the compulsory Titanic screenings of 1997, which people were forced to watch until they understood that love is timeless and transcends social boundaries.

 

Eleanor Shaw of Luton said: “The snowman’s not funny, the songs are screechy, and there’s no talking candlesticks or farting warthogs.

 

“I think it’s shit. Please don’t tell anyone.”

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“It is every citizen’s duty to watch this film, have a conversation with a child about it and decide which sister they most identify with, within the next 72 hours.”

 

For me, I'd say the one with a beard.

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NEW guidelines will give social workers the power to take children into care if their parents do not have tattoos of their names.

 

The redefinition of good parenting has been welcomed by modern mums and dads who believe getting inked with a name and date of birth is the key part of raising a child.

 

Mother of four Emma Bradford said: “I can’t always be there for my kids, especially during my annual three-week rave holiday to Ibiza.

 

“But they’re with me via their names being written in curly script on my neck, and unlike packed lunches or clean clothes that is permanent.”

 

Stephen Malley of Stoke-on-Trent agreed: “Any soft lad can patiently teach their kids to read, but a real man goes through the pain barrier and gets ‘Kyle 24-1-11′ written on his ribcage.

 

“Accompanied, of course, by a bad picture of the kid that makes it look like a Cabbage Patch Doll.

 

Social worker Francesca Johnson said: “Quite apart from the fact that these blank-fleshed parents clearly aren’t proud of their children, there are practical problems.

 

“If you don’t have your daughter’s name written on your body, how are we to know she’s yours? She could be anyone’s, so our procedure is to take them into care until we find out.

 

“It’s all about taking responsibility, in the way that diligent dog owners have a tattoo of their Staffordshire bull terrier on their neck for identification purposes.”

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In other tattoo news

 

 

TATTOO parlours must use designs that accurately reflect their recipients’ unremarkability.

 

The new ruling was introduced after a bitter divorcee used Celtic-themed body art to pass himself off as a wild Pagan romantic.

 

Oriental lettering will be banned from people who have never been further east than Southend, and customers requesting a butterfly will have to go away and transform themselves into something beautiful first.

 

24-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I asked for ‘What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger’ as I’ve always loved Professor Green’s lyrics, but I ended up with ‘I will die of natural causes aged around 82’.

 

“When I complained to the manager they offered to do another one for free but that one just said ‘I really never learn, do I?’ under a picture of a doughnut.”

 

The most popular design – a dolphin – will be used only in exceptional circumstances for exceptional people and will generally be replaced by a battery hen to more accurately reflect the customer’s lifestyle.

 

Existing tattoos will be allowed to remain as the older tiger, dragon and skull designs are gradually replaced by depictions of an open-plan call centre and parents not hugging their child enough.

 

Tattooist Wayne Hayes said: “It’s really affecting business and I’m already getting bored of inking ‘I am an attention-seeker’ over and over again.”

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Unwavering hedonism is alive and well in a disused sorting office in Croydon it seems, where a 16-year-old partier "skanked it out for half an hour" at an illegal rave after accidentally severing his finger on the dance floor.

"Rave f*cked me up #rumnbass want my finger back...#sh*t #happens," the reveller wrote on Instagram, alongside a picture of him holding a rollie cigarette with his four remaining fingers.

Astonishingly, given the setting of the accident and the fact he partied on undeterred, 16-year-old Josh claims he was sober at the time of the injury.

In an interview with Vice, he explained exactly what went down:

 

"Well, at about 1AM we were up in the house room, but I don’t really like house so I was waiting for the drum 'n' bass to kick in. As soon as I heard it, me and my mate went down there. Five minutes in, the fire alarm starting going off and everyone was like, "Rip it off! Rip it off!" So I thought I’d give it a go. I was completely sober at the time. I jumped up, grabbed it and my little finger got caught in the case because it was all broken, and as I came to rip it back down, my little finger got ripped off completely."

Asked what he did next, Josh replied:

"I looked at my hand and my little finger was gone – the bone was sticking out. It’s the weirdest feeling; one second you’re fine and your little finger is there, and the next second it’s gone. It shoves reality up your backside. I was in so much pain and shock that the first thing that hit my head was the beat and the bass. The bass was hard, so I just ripped off my top, wrapped it around my finger and tied it up as tight as I could and skanked it out for half an hour. My mentality was, 'I’ve only been here for an hour, I’ve paid £10 for this night, I’ve lost my little finger – am I seriously going to go? Nah, I’m going to skank until I can’t skank any more.' After that, my mate dragged me down to the paramedics."

The boy asked paramedics if he could just be bandaged up and "rave on", but was told he needed to go to hospital immediately.

Pressed as to why he persisted to dance after losing a digit, Josh said:

"Well, what can you do? There are fit girls around you, the bass is hard, the music is popping. I didn’t want to be the sore thumb sticking out – or the sore pinky – so I was like, "F*ck it, let's skank on and enjoy it."

 

Friends later told him that a "bunch of stoners found [his] little finger and were playing catch with it."

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Mashed potato spillage closes Yorkshire road for five hours

 

A busy Yorkshire road was closed by police for five hours on Saturday - after a lorry dropped its entire load of instant mashed potato.

Moisture caused the instant granules to soon swell up, turning the road into a mashed potato slide, with cars skidding across the surface.

Police described the road as being 'like an ice rink', and were forced to shut the A64 near Malton in both directions.

It took fire crews, police and the Highways Agency five hours to clear the mess using snow ploughs and high-pressure hoses.

The remainder that couldn't be cleared was frozen with chemicals. In an update tweet which included the above picture, North Yorkshire Police said: "This is after majority ploughed away. Remaining residue frozen."

This isn't the first time Britain’s love of mash has caused problems on our roads - in 2007, vehicles crashed after mashed potato fell out the back of another lorry.

 

Mash.jpg

 

Mash turned road into an 'ice rink' with snow plows brought in to clear the mess

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US student rescued from giant vagina sculpture in Germany

 

On Friday afternoon, a young American in Tübingen had to be rescued by 22 firefighters after getting trapped inside a giant sculpture of a vagina. The Chacán-Pi (Making Love) artwork by the Peruvian artist Fernando de la Jara has been located outside Tübingen University's institute for microbiology and virology since 2001 and had previously mainly attracted juvenile sniggers rather than adventurous explorers.

According to De la Jara, the 32-ton sculpture made out of red Veronese marble is meant to signify "the gateway to the world".

Police confirmed that the firefighters-turned-midwives delivered the student "by hand and without the application of tools".

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