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>>She's the type of person who would get a divorce quickly and never look back.

 

That's your wife, who doesn't yet fully understand that her husband is pining like a lost puppy after another woman and openly and pathetically admits that he "doesn't know what to do".

 

Knowing what to do is often difficult. But sloping around asking everyone what to do is pathetic. The number-[censored]ing-1 rule in life: you are responsible for everything that happens to you, no one else. Not knowing what to do and taking no responsibility for the outcome is worse 10-fold than making the wrong decision and taking responsibility for it.

 

Its ok to research deep inside yourself by posing your issue and then absorbing the responses from other people. But stop asking other people what you should do. The more I read, the more I think it is your wife that has greater justification in leaving you, yet you have assumed that you're the one in the difficult judgement position. She isn't even operating on the full set of fact and if she were, sayonara buddy.

 

The people participating in life are the ones making decisions and taking responsibility for them, rather than defining themselves by a MySpace.com type of mentality and quasi-participation with no ownership of achieving an outcome. It sounds like your wife in is the decision making club. I suggest you live by her example.

 

Among others, read Sunshine's post again, especially the last 4 paragraphs.

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YES!!! Can't drag things out any longer. I am sick of this shit! I'm going to have a long talk with wife about things tonight. Gotta focus on the two of us right now because it really is more about us first.

 

Thanks for posting soub. I know you've got a lot on your own plate and I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

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Your choice of words gave it away.

 

>>YES!!! Can't drag things out any longer. I am sick of this shit!

 

You're only doing it with a fatalistic mentality, subconsciously hoping that she will go for divorce and the decision thus having been forced on you.... leaving no choice but to heal your wounds with the other woman.

 

Everyone gets what they want in the end, but few know what it is. You have not indicated that you consciously know what you want, so I hope for your sake that your subconscious is ethical, because it will get what it wants. The first 'person' to step in and make decisions for you when you are not capable is your subconscious. You have been warned, what ever the outcome you better take responsibility for it even if you deny making the decision. You see, it will be your subconscious that sets up a situation allowing for events to happen which lead to Mr Sub getting his way. (This by the way is sometimes one of the reasons we let ourselves drink too much).

 

And don't go thinking that you know your subconscious. Nearly everything people experience in life is driven by their subconscious, and that includes broken marriage, debt and failure. Its what their subconscious really wanted. If you don't believe me, ask yourself why so many people keep finding these things.

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The sensible series of steps would be;

1) Tell Option B thanks for the memories, wish her the best of fortunes, and indicate your intention to break off contact.

2) Consider how you have contributed to your own situation and resolve to do something about it.

3) If necessary, consider with your wife what it is you've been missing in your marriage, if indeed you have.

4) Enjoy the fact that you had a choice and made a choice.

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 Quote:
Originally posted by Cane:
I object to the 'get your rocks off' part but thanks for your honest opinion Kintaro. Keep in mind that I haven't done anything.
Be honest with yourself about one thing Cane. You've already been cheating on your wife. Whether or not you've "been physical" with that other woman is practically irrelevant.
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I'm not asking you guys to cut the flow of comments, but I myself might withdraw a bit. Airing my life like this is starting to get a bit freaky. Suffice it to say, that the ball is rolling and I'd rather not give a play by play of all the action at this point.

Some of you guys and gal really hit the nail on the head a few times.

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Cool, but well when all's said and done you should really fill us in on the final outcome. Not all the gory minute details of course, but I'm waiting to see which door you choose confused.gif

 

good luck with it \:\)

 

i love living vicariously!

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Some good advice and "cruel to be kind slaps in the face" coming through here. People in relationships will always face temptation and this is a serious case of that. As a stranger it's hard to judge it's a matter of the real need for change, or a lack of character in the face of inevitable challanges to relationships. That's for you to judge ultimately.

 

I have a very good friend who had broken several relationships, including a marriage, before he was spurned as he had spurned others. The next chick he got together with, he married and has started a family with. Maybe his experiences broke a pattern of "grass is greener" thinking.

 

I agree with Toque in that you have to look out for No.1. The caveat is the question "when do you give up on being No.1?". Clearly you wouldn't be here asking our advice if that weren't your ultimate goal. A truely deep relationship, marriage or no, requires that you give up the somewhat childish concept of being the centre of your own universe.

 

Like hakubaka, I used to think that marriage was a load of ballocks, a convention and a stricture of society. My wife, whose parents are divorced, felt similarly to me. I still think the relationship itself is worth a hell of a lot more than the conotations of the official title. We both thought having a wedding was pointless, like getting the prize before winning the race or whatever, so we didn't have one. I'm now hoping we can celebrate our 10th year marriage anniversary with our two girls.

 

Relationships are a hard road mate. Good luck in choosing the right way to go.

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That should read "relationships are a hard road sometimes" or maybe "a lot of the time". Anyway, if it's easy it probably isn't real, but everyone knows this in one way or another...

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Cane take some advice from a little green fictional character from a classic movie....." do or do not, there is no try"

Seems like you are middling well in the 'try' category, neither doing or not doing with either option A or B.

Relationships at the top level are worthy of all or nothing and this fence sitting your doing is precarious you might well lose both options if you dont commit fully to one.

Is your wife a worth it? do you truly love her? do you want to be with her? are you still intimate with her or have you drifted away from her and become distant? is the other woman worth the risk? who could you see yourself with in 20 years? make up you mind man, its your decision and bloody big one at that.

From what you have said, they seem pretty similiar, coupled with the fact that have already committed to one, the obvious move would be to forget the temptation and get on with your marriage, you cant have you cake and eat it.

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 Quote:
Originally posted by Davo:
....I used to think that marriage was a load of ballocks, a convention and a stricture of society. My wife, whose parents are divorced, felt similarly to me. I still think the relationship itself is worth a hell of a lot more than the conotations of the official title.
You're the man Davo. (happy 10th year and 2nd baby)

The fact that a couple even reaches the stage of committing to get married is the significant aspect. Placing importance on the wedding/ceremony itself is like confusing the moon with the finger that points at it.

In fact, in comparison to the reaching the stage of agreeing to marry, the ceremony aspect suddenly takes on an entirely trivial aspect of importance. It is almost a mockery of what of a very significant land mark in your emotional life. That goes for expensive rings as well.

Legalities aside, if I ever wed, there will be no ceremony.
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I loathe ceremonies of any kind and refuse to have anything to do with them. But I'm glad I submitted to the utterly hypocritical church wedding ceremony that we had because it was very cathartic for everybody else involved, and it can be good to have everyone catharted.

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Theres no way Im gonna pay XXXXXXXXXX yen for a stupid ceremony either. Id rather have that money and use it for something worthwhile. A nicer ring for my wife maybe, a longer/nicer honeymoon, whatever.

 

Interesting comments on here. Marriage and divorce sucks - especially for those who are affected by their parents decisions.

 

Grass is always greener on the other side. Aint that the truth.

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Mate,

Marriage is an institution foisted on us by the church. Men are biologically not meant to be monogamous.

It seems to me you've run into a situation where subconsicously you think your offspring would be better off popping out of another womb, with different DNA.

Throw off society's shackles and follow the part of you that sticks out in front. It'll lead you in the right direction.

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 Quote:
Originally posted by Cane:
(My friend is too good for me too.) (but you've probably already surmised that.)
It's a two-way street boy'o. That is, she's willing to play around with a married man - is that the type of woman you wanna build a relationship with?

Stick with the wife, find a new job, and be happy doing things TOGETHER.
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Thanks db-the 10 year anniversary is 5 years away still, still a relative newcomer to the marriage/monogamy game.

 

I was glad not to have to do any catharthing with a big wedding. For the Japanese side it wasn't an issue and same for my family with one divorced sister chalked up, not to mention a long flight for parents who'd already shelled out plenty on weddings for other siblings.

 

I guess it is true that men are not wired up for monogamy, hence all the temptation. If you have found the right girl though you generally have to play by the rules. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being partly envious of single friends and their plethora of shagging options.

 

If I cheated I'm sure my wife would know-women have a special radar built in to detect cheating. They also come out with periodic comments like "I had a weird dream last night about you having an affair..." just to see how you react.

 

Plenty of people have affairs. My wife has a MILF friend who has been shagging the guy who came round to fix her airconditioning for the last 2 years. Her kids know she's cheating on their dad which is pretty wrong I reckon. Every time I see her I can't help thinking "You dirty slapper". She's a nice person and all but I don't think what she's doing is that cool. All the same it doesn't stop me fantasising about giving her one-bad thoughts shifty.gif .

 

Now that I've really brought down the level of the thread, I hope this doesn't discourage more input from the girls. Boys are kind of simple in a lot of ways and women are more complex.

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 Quote:
Originally posted by misorano:
Mate,
Marriage is an institution foisted on us by the church. Men are biologically not meant to be monogamous.
It seems to me you've run into a situation where subconsicously you think your offspring would be better off popping out of another womb, with different DNA.
Throw off society's shackles and follow the part of you that sticks out in front. It'll lead you in the right direction.
Marriage and church = yuck, fair enough call.

But the rest of your post! Holy cow. So how many women have you been having sex with behind your poor wives back and is she fair game for other men who think like you do? Hang on, were you the guy that said in the trivial irritations thread something like “is it too much to ask for my wife to have food on the table for me and my kids at the end of each day”. You are lame.
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