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Close call. She's not more attractive than the wife. Either way, it's not enough to tip the scale. I would say that it's not really a matter of physical attraction and that it's more emotional but then I'd just sound like an unrational freak with his head up his ass.

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What about fun recreational activities other than sex? Where do Option A and Option B stand in this regard? (Having picked an Option A who doesn't share my interests, and having met Options B who do, I find this quite a significant point.) Do tell.

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are you staying with your wife more to make her happy than to make you happy?

are you so afraid of hurting her that you would continue with your marriage?

 

i've only had to ask myself these questions in regard to a long term gf, so obviously they have more weight when it comes to marriage.

 

good luck mate!

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About the same. Same as the attraction question. They're pretty similar people actually. If anything, my wife has slightly more similar interests, but my friend has slightly more similar attitudes and opinions. I know I'm not giving you much to work with.

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cane, you self centered prick. If you could claim to have fallen out of love with your wife it'd be one thing, but you don't. Why did you marry in the first place? How could you contemplate leaving your wife just to get your rocks off and satisfy a little work fantasy you are having ("I'm in love...but haven't acted on it yet") WTF is that? Shallow. You sicken me. Put yourself in your wife's possition and imagine what it would feel like to be sold down the river for a better peace of ass. You had to mention that you didn't have kids but keep in mind loser, you do have a wife.

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I object to the 'get your rocks off' part but thanks for your honest opinion Kintaro. Keep in mind that I haven't done anything. At this point it would be very easy to go to the other woman and say I'm thinking of getting a divorce and string her along like that but I haven't. We both know that we like each other too much, but for the most part I've kept really silent about the whole damn thing and I've always tried to be as honorable as possible dealing with these [censored]ed up emotions.

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 Quote:
Originally posted by Cane:
Except for a bad temper sometimes, she's perfect. I think I married her more for that than f purely emotional reasons though. It just seemed like the thing to do after going out for a number of years. Now I feel like a total ass thinking about divorce from such a great woman.

At no point in my relationship with my wife have I felt nearly this much emotion.
mate, looks to me like a case of the grass being greener on the other side. Look at your responses to the last few questions people have asked. Same grass, different paddock mate. Don't do something stupid that a) you may well regret late. B) will completely shatter your loving, trusting wife. Kintaro's rant was a little harsh, but I agree somewhat with his sentiment. I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but have you thought about telling your wife how you are feeling? Even just putting it out there might slap you back into reality and take it out of the realms of possibility. Right now, you are thinking it over and over without any accountability in the real world. Tell your wife, a friend, a family member, and then you have someone to answer to and also talk to about it. That might just give you some perspective on the issue.
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good question spook. And cane, sorry to come down so hard on you, but I've got strong opinions about this kind of thing. Best of luck figuring out the right thing to do.

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 Quote:
Originally posted by Toque:
[thnip]If you are unhappy with a past decision then you have to make a change. May as well be now before you become unhappy.
It's selfish but look out for #1 thumbsup.gif
Just going back to what Toque wrote ... in a family situation which is what we're talking about, paradoxically looking out for #1 may not actually be the smartest way to look out for #1. Which, in a less wax-on wax-off paint-wall way of saying it, means you have to work at it the whole goddamn time and try to give something too.

I was once faced with a choice rather more stark than yours involving a younger, more generally compatible Option B, and underwent all of the stress that you probably feel. But why bother? Just by deciding to keep your eggs in the basket you have already and looking after them a little better, you can be happy.

I suggest you convey your intention to Option B, and make more effort with Option A.
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Many males I know have 'taken the plunge' to marry a long term partner shortly after they had sex with another woman and kept it a secret. It seemed commitment came out of guilt. From guilt he found focus on a better future helping him forget the recent past. I really don't know how it works, but I have seen it quite a few times and think it is gutless: a wedding proposal coming on the rebound of a night with a casual. There is a chance that your marriage would 'benefit' in the same way, after a little guilty secret activity. Although I would hardly call it a benefit coming from strength, and the long term problem would remain and re-appear with greater strength in the future.

 

>>I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but have you thought about telling your wife how you are feeling? Even just putting it out there might slap you back into reality and take it out of the realms of possibility.

 

Certainly risky, but it will potentially lead to a better outcome, what ever that ends up being. You have never put a finger on the HWB, so that is a huge plus allowing a less jealous discussion, an adult approach to the problem.

 

If you truely loved and respected your wife and marriage then you should discuss this topic with her.

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Even just putting it out there might slap you back into reality and take it out of the realms of possibility. Right now, you are thinking it over and over without any accountability in the real world. Tell your wife, a friend, a family member, and then you have someone to answer to and also talk to about it. That might just give you some perspective on the issue.
Yeah, I know. I talked with a few friends about it months ago but the thing just kept dragging on so I figured I'd better stop talking. Actually I spoke to a good friend on the phone just today and approached the subject with: "How [censored]ed up would it be if I got a divorce from my wife?" I'm at the point where I have to decide what to do because it's not good for my health. I've waited this long to really talk about it because I feel like an ass. And as far as talking to family back home about it -- Hell No.
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yep, fine, but having someone to talk about it was more my point. Your wife would be the best option, and as spud said it would certainly bring things to a head one way or another. But even talking to a close friend is good. How does your friend react to it when you bring it up?

 

To me the biggest thing that strikes me here is that you haven't said you don't love your wife anymore. It's just that you have discovered a more intense emotion with another woman. How long have you known her, and could it be that this intense emotional connection would fade back into a less intense one after a while. Maybe you are in the equivalent of the first 6 months of dating someone. Whatever it is, if you still love your wife then why are you allowing yourself so much anxiety over this? It's not like you got a dud model car that you wanna trade in...

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from the evidence you have given us here, my advice is to forget about B and concentrate on A. Make a choice and live with it, but don't continue to agonize over it - it'll just gnaw away at you if you don't, and that is unfair on your wife cos it will affect how you relate to her.

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Thanks O11, I really appreciate your comments. I've been trying to downplay things with option B. Ie-- I've always made it clear that I wanted to stay with my wife, even though that's not necessarily how I felt, because I didn't want things to escalate, or for option B to have any expectations. I reaffirmed that in a long conversation with her last week, while admiting that I'm FAR too fond of her. --But it hasn't been sitting right.

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Okay, one woman's point of view. (Not all women think like me I should probably point out).

 

I think spud has been giving you some great advice. Some other great advice from others too.

 

There are many things going on here and you haven't reached the bottom of things to be certain of what you want. It's good to talk out the different sides like you're doing here.

 

Grass is greener is a definite possibility. But then you said that you'd never felt such strong emotion with your wife. So it may not necessarily just be a 7 year itch syndrome. No kids, so as someone said, no responsibilities in that department.

 

I don't agree that anyone should stay in a relationship if it's not working just because you're married. People can change, they can grow out of each other. It can be heart wrenching but it can be true. It does happen.

 

Then again you might be the type that finds yourself attracted to something that you feel you can't have, and that makes it all the more attractive.

 

Or you may be the type that isn't satisfied with what you have. At some point the honeymoon period of any relationship comes to an end and then you have to decide whether you want to stay with that person to make it work. Maybe this is your day of reckoning for that. But as you know, the same thing may happen in ANY new relationship you might go into.

 

Or, as you say, she could be catalyst to show you something that's missing for you in your own marriage. The question is, as was pointed out, if you left your wife for your friend, would the same pattern be played out again after a period of time. If so you will know it's YOU and not the relationship. Then you'll know better how you want to deal with it at that point.

 

But if that extra emotion was never present in your marriage and you married anyway, for the reasons you mentioned - ie - her feelings toward you.... hmmm, were you ever ecstatically in love with her? The way you describe it sounds like it's a nice warm love with something subtle missing in it.

 

That's not to say it IS that way, but that's what you seem to be leaning toward with what you say. It seems to lean toward saying something is missing in your marriage that is present in your friendship, and has always been missing. But, as pointed out, you may never really know that for sure until faced with losing your wife, so though I'm going with what you seem to be leaning towards, I have to say that that's not necessarily your deeper truth. I personally don't know, except to say it seems like there's definitely something missing somewhere, whether it's in YOU or your marriage. If the thing that's missing is inside of you, then you need to cultivate it in yourself rather than looking outside for it in another person or you may "lose" it again further down the track (that's the grass is greener syndrome).

 

Bottom line is, right now you're not going to be able to feel anything more with your wife because there's a lot you're withholding from her. Of course you don't want to hurt her and are probably feeling horribly guilty at the thought of it. You may not get out of this one scot free of risk of hurting others and/or being hurt yourself - I think the most honest thing to do would be to talk to your wife. She's not going to like it but if you leave her she's not going to like it anyway. So you may as well talk to her and see what happens from there. If you don't talk to her and you don't leave her there will always be something you've withheld from her. It's also tricky - there are definitely some situations where I believe it is better not to say things. But if you want a real soul mate you should be able to get thru thick and thin together. The communication lines should be able to be wide open no matter what. You can't have a real soulmate relationship if you withhold things from them. I can't say which one is better for you, though, as pointed out in other posts, you will certainly start to get a better idea of things if you bring things more out into the open.

 

I would defintely prefer to know what's going on than be married to a guy who either leaves me (and only THEN I find out why), or be married to a guy who withheld such a strong emotional relationship with someone else from me. I want the truth in any relationship regardless of whether or not it would hurt me or the guy I'm with. I've been in several different sides of this coin before. It can hurt, but for me the truth is always best. So I recommend talking to your wife and being more open to her.

 

I'm not either of these two women, they may prefer not to talk about it. I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you ultimately want to have. One of open communication or one where you have to hide things. I guess you're scared that you might lose both of these women and wind up with neither, ie - if you went with the friend you don't know if it'll work out. But if you're not totally happy where you are now, then that's not working out anyway. It's totally possible to work on that stuff, just because it's not working right now, that doesn't mean it can't work but both people need to be willing to make a relationship work. Many relationships have been saved and moved to a deeper level by working on them. But other times it doesn't always work no matter how willing the couple might be (sometimes they're just not right for each other, change of direction/path or whatever).

Right now you're under the illusion of "safe" homeostasis because you haven't talked to your wife and you're hoping that you can figure out what you need to do for yourself without having to talk to her first. Right now you still have a back door if you change your mind.

 

This is an opportunity to deepen your relationship with your wife, AND deepen your relationship with someone else. Ultimately the Jungian point of view, which sees everything as a mirror, would say that this is an opportunity to deepen your relationship to yourself as well. If you act with integrity you will get integrity coming back to you. Whether it is forthcoming or comes futher down the track, whether the process is painful or not.

 

If the tables were turned and it was your wife who had the male friend and was feeling the way you are, how would you like her to deal with it? Would you prefer she didn't tell you anything and then just suddenly upped and left you? Would you prefer she didn't tell you anything and stayed with you in the current homeostasis? Would you prefer she told you what was going on for her, hurtful though it may feel to you?

 

So I say follow your integrity. Open the communication lines. Be willing to risk the worst that might come from that. Then see how you feel about your relationships. You will know a lot more then, you might get hurt, and at least one of those women will get hurt, maybe both. But in the long run you will win because you are being honest with everyone and yourself.

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As far as generalisations go, Japanese women do not do jealousy well. Their male partners may have to put up with them swooning over Yon sama, David Beckham, Brad Pitt or whoever, but I suppose that's okay because they are assumed to be unavailable. If you tell your Japanese wife that you fancy someone available, in many cases the assumption will be that it is you not your relationship that is deficient. Watch the sparks fly.

 

Yours sounds like a special situation in that you have spent so much time with option B, moreso than your wife it seems. If you have grown together more with her than your wife, that creates a real dilemma. Basically every married person faces temptation, and some obviously act upon it, but usually only in a casual manner before any bets are placed on someone else. You seem to feel (i.e., not just hope) that the other woman is better.

 

Regardless of whether you go for Option B or not, I think you should change jobs asap. Being around her isn't doing you any favours. If you decide to divorce and be with her, you'll be the toast of your employers' gossips. If you don't, you're not going to get over this very quickly with her still around.

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Yeah, Mr. W, bringing it up is really touchy. She's the type of person who would get a divorce quickly and never look back. I do agree with others that I have to talk to her about things but I don't think I should directly attribute the cause to the other woman. Actually the other woman is NOT the only factor and there are some other issues. Actually though, my wife knows that I was too close, so it's bound to come up.

 

About the job situation. The other woman got transferred last April. You'd think that would be the end of it but we haven't cut the ties. Absence makes the heart grow fonder apparently.

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There are others here with much more insight into personal relationships with me, so I'll leave the deeper stuff to them. I think it may be unfair to your wife to drag this out though. I think you need to make a decision and soon. Either way, make up your choice and stick to it. Prevaricating is unfair to both of them.

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