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I've been lurking for a little while. You folks seem cool so I'd like to share my predicament and ask your comments. I'll try to make it short. I'm comfortably married without children but I've fallen in love with a coworker who I've gotten to know very well. The feeling is mutual though we haven't acted on it. I'm really not the type to cheat or fall in love with two women at the same time and I've always disrespected people like this. I really can't believe this has happened. I feel guilty but I'm seriously contemplating divorce. I can't really talk to many friends because they are also friends of my wife and they would probably think I was crazy. Have any of you had, or known someone who has had similar experiences? I'd really like to get the opinion of female posters as well though I can imagine people being turned off by this subject.

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dude,

i feel you pain, and i understand you are in a difficult scenerio, but perhaps this is a little heavy for your first post.

is this the sort of thing you would ask a group of strangers in any other form of public space?

maybe your family and friends are a better place to turn.

good luck.

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Cane welcome. Heavy indeed. Perhaps you have lurked and thought this a good place to ask for opinions.

 

I've never been in such a situation but can imagine it to be difficult. Do you still love your wife?

 

(Do you ski/snowboard by the way?

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Yeah Daver, it is a pretty heavy post. I was a member a few years ago but completely stopped posting and forgot my information. I recently started browsing the forum again and I like the SJ community. The anonymity of 'a group of strangers in a public space'is certainly easier than talking to family sometimes.

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Do you have a lot of interests in common with your coworker that you don't with your wife?

 

Can you see yourself in the same position now with somebody else maybe 10 years down the road?

 

Why don't you have children?

 

How do you feel about your wife now?

 

Things to ponder...

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So, what’s the plan, divorce your wife and get married to your coworker?

 

And if sometime in the future you fall in love with a new coworker, you are going to divorce your coworker and get married to your new coworker?

 

And if sometime in the future…

 

And if…

 

And if…

 

And if…

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 Quote:
Originally posted by Ocean11:
Do you have a lot of interests in common with your coworker that you don't with your wife?
What he means is; which one likes the Grumper?

Less seriously, what might have happened is a perfectly possible event. I believe that no matter how much you love your partner, there is someone else out there that will be equally 'loveable', possibly even more so. It is convenient (and understandable) self preserving naivety for a person to assume that they had met and married "the one", out of 2 billion women in the world. One can have a life time of happiness with their partner, but I bet there are others out there who would have been just as good partners. Of course there are. As much as we like to believe in sheer uniqueness, people are not actually that unique. There are thousands more of ‘me’ out there that I am sure my partner would adore had she met one of them rather than myself. They are not the same as me, but they would have the same general attributes. There is the chance that she will meet someone that makes her forget me. We all have to live with that risk.

There is a chance that no matter how much you love your wife, you will bump into someone with the same attraction plus a bit. This may be your situation now. You don’t choose who you fall in love with and if you can fall in love once with one woman it is obviously perfectly logical that you could do it again… with another woman. Whether you would let it happen is a different matter, and whether you would act upon it is possibly the situation you are in now.

Alternatively, you may just be drunk on an exciting thrill that contrasts a dull marriage? Who knows.

People also change and unless you and your partner share consistent change, you will run into a natural divergence at some stage.

Marriage is a legal contract that attempts to differentiate itself from other legal contracts by containing an implicit assumption that the parties to the contract can predict the future “[based only on my current emotions and hope for the future], I will love you for the rest of my life until I die”. This is obviously impossible to predict, but I think it is a noble and key attribute to the contract none the less. Thankfully some get it right, sadly others don’t. Getting the long term prediction wrong is not a sin. But deciding you got it wrong based on a basic short term emotion is a mistake.

Keep in mind that I have never been married, both my parents have been married more than once and I have a numbness to pain and risk similar to that of a leper. So my thoughts will reflect my biases and beliefs.

Can I shag both wife and co-worker then let you know which one to choose? How about some naked pictures of both?
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> What he means is; which one likes the Grumper?

 

Well Cane suggests he isn't in a position to know that (which wouldn't be my way of proceeding, but then I am disrepectable). Unless of course the lovable coworker has somehow made that plain in some way.

 

> Marriage is a legal contract that attempts to differentiate itself from other legal contracts by containing an implicit assumption that the parties to the contract can predict the future

 

What a load of Grumper wodge! No it doesn't. It's a commitment to try to make a go of it with the one you've got, heroically if necessary, and not to try with other people. There's no future prediction involved. You promise to bust your balls forever, and that's it.

 

There seem to be about two main issues here;

 

Do you still have warm feelings for your wife and enjoy her company in many of the activities you do?

 

Can you identify clearly what makes you and your co-worker such a great match?

 

If the first is no and the second is yes, then you'd better start thinking of how best to put it to your wife. You could maybe set it up with a 'TV challenge' sort of format - "What would you do to save your marriage?" (Just kidding.) If there are no clear answers, I'd stick with what you've got, because you're obviously a fickle bastard who doesn't know what's good for him. (Just testing - because the accusation will be made.)

 

Anyway, I think you should avoid having any children for a little while. That goes for Option A and Option B.

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1)

Why did you get married if you were not in it forever. Brush your coworker off and place more focus on your wife. Temptation is very difficult. Try to avoid it as it is a cancer to your marriage. Perfect example is the situation you are currently in and the thoughts you are having.

 

2)

Your wife would pass you off in a second as soon as someone with a bigger bank account comes along. Go for your co worker. Maybe keep it a secret for a while and maybe you could launder some of the family funds as well while your at it so you and coworker can go and live happily ever after(at least until the next cycle that you are creating for yourself starts)

 

Which path shall you choose Grasshopper.

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It's a diabolical situation but not uncommon though. Is your co worker in a relationship too? If yes maybe you can put your wife in touch with her partner. Only kidding!!!

 

Yes I was in a similar situation before ... Basically I met someone at work, fell in love (lust) with him while I was living with someone else (living in sin). At the time I didn’t know that subconciously I was looking for something else outside my relationship because I wasn’t happy in it. I said this as I noticed you wrote you are “comfortably married” rather than “happily married” ...

 

Anyhow do you want to save your marriage at all? Maybe you want to take some time out with your wife? Go away somewhere with her, go on a 3-day week end or something like that, be away from your regular home life and environment and be away from your co worker. That may not be long enough for you to sort out your true feelings but at least you give youself a chance to give your marriage a chance ... before you make some serious decision. Best of luck!

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I appreciate the comments. Here's how it happened. I got a transfer to a different area and had to live separately from my wife for a year. For almost a year I worked really closely with this lovable coworker every day. After a few months of working together things started to get weird so I consciously decided to focus on my marriage. Months went by and I was somewhat successful at times but still generally distracted. Last April my coworker got transferred elsewhere nearby and my wife joined me here. My former coworker and I started to get a little more honest with each other in our correspondence since we weren't working together everyday. I guess it didn't seem as dangerous. --That was stupid! That brings me to this point. Maybe the mistake was getting married in the first place. I don't know.

 

My wife knows that something's up but is tentatively trusting that I'm not a "fickle bastard who doesn't know what's good for him". The jury's still out.

 

btw thanks for the laugh spud.

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Tanshin funin eh? How very Japanese.

 

There are a lot of tanshin funin widows living in my neighbourhood. I'm sure if I took up 'English teaching' instead of translation I could be in Grumper heaven.

 

If I were you, I'd sue my employer for causing you intolerable mental anguish. Encourage your wife to do the same.

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Looking out for number 1 is important but you had better be sure. Think about why you married your wife in the first place.

 

Even when I see cute girls or find girls that im attracted to I think about why I married my wife.

 

My best friend.

She wants to share everything with me.

Has trust.

Has the same interests.

 

The list could go on and on. Physical attraction is easy, before you live with someone its easy. My advice is that youd better be damned sure before you make a life changing choice.

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Not sure if I missed it but what is "Tanshin funin".

 

Good luck with it mate. My friend was going through the same. He decided to stay with with after he realised leaving her for be a big mistake. (Just after he broke off with the girl at work, he found out she was "double dating" someone else) and not quite as perfect as he thought she was.

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My previous post was too rhetorical, so let me give a different tone in this one.

 

This one comes form one of my favourite TV shows back home. There were 2 guys, best friends, discussing about the same problem like yours. The one being the definition of a “pathological cheater”, and the other a bit of conservative dentist.

 

Dentist: Mate I have a serious problem and I urgently need your advice. I realised that I am in love with one of the girls in the office. She is sooo…. blah, blah, blah…. and I am thinking to divorce my wife.

Friend: Listen mate I have only one advice to give you, [censored] her and then come to talk to me again.

Dentist: But…

Friend: No but! just do as I told you and then come to talk to me again.

 

So the dentist goes and sleeps with her, and the next day he meets his friend again.

 

Dentist: Mate I did what you said, and I am a bit embarrassed to say that, I am not that much in love with her any more.

Friend: You see…., now that you [censored]ed you can judge with a clear mind.

lol.gif

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Thanks for your comments. A few bone-headed ones—but I’ve had it coming. Writing this stuff down under an assumed name and reading it again on an internet forum makes things more objective. Sorry to use the SJ forum like this but - what the hell – it gives SJ that bit of extra drama (though I’m not sure we need it with all of the bickering going on at the moment). Like I said, this has been going on for about a year now, but it seems like things are coming to a head one way or the other. I feel pretty guilty just contemplating D but in the last week I’ve been leaning towards that option more than before. At the moment I don't know if there is any other way out of this funk that I'm in. Actually though, I'd like to think that if I was to get a D, it would be because my wife and I just weren't right for each other, but I'm sure that the other woman is a catalyst, if not the reason itself. I wish there was a step by step manual detailing the precise course of action for a situation like this.

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Well it is a tough pickle alright! At the end of the day if you look deep down inside you should know what is right! I know thats cliche but it is true. The easiest person to fool is yourself and I am sure that everyone on this forum has done that at some point. Hell I have done it for a year and a half, going after some chick when I was more in love with the idea than the girl! This is what you have to watch for! Is it a concept/lifestyle or something else you are in search of? It is easy to believe that you love (or loved) someone cos you a) are not so happy with something in your life B) wanted to get married as you wanted an "ideal"!! Clarify your mind 1st, look at the motivations behind these feelings. If you find you are not happy with your wife, try make things work, if they don't work leave your wife cos YOU are not happy, not cos another bit of fluff is there!! If the motivation is that you love this new chick more than your wife-simply-then go for it!

 

At the end of the day:

Absense makes the heart grow fonder.....out of sight, out of mind.....which side are you on (for both your wife and that other bird)?!?! Good luck.

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 Quote:
I wish there was a step by step manual detailing the precise course of action for a situation like this.
There is, its written on the bottom of a beer glass.

Does your wife love you? Is she a sound, honest, trustworthy and respectable woman? Do you trust and admire her? That shit is valuable mate, don't go messing with it if you've got it. Most people can't find it and would desperately like to. Perhaps you don't have it either.
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I've looked under many a beer bottle. You hear a lot about the connection between drinking and depression. I'm very much in favor of a few drinks to numb out after a crappy day at work but I know I'm REALLY screwed up when I STOP drinking.

 

Anyway, here are a few answers:

 Quote:
Does your wife love you? Is she a sound, honest, trustworthy and respectable woman? Do you trust and admire her?
Yes. Yes. Yes. That's the thing. Except for a bad temper sometimes, she's perfect. I think I married her more for that than for purely emotional reasons though. It just seemed like the thing to do after going out for a number of years. Now I feel like a total ass thinking about divorce from such a great woman.

 

 Quote:
Absense makes the heart grow fonder.....out of sight, out of mind.....which side are you on (for both your wife and that other bird)?!?!
The other bird got transferred last April so we've seen each other only sporadically since then. My feelings have gotten stronger and stronger. At no point in my relationship with my wife have I felt nearly this much emotion.

 

I'm more of a cynic than a romantic. I'm really not much into cliches and I have a healthy hatred of Meg Ryan, but these days all of the cliches seem to make perfect sense and I feel like a walking adult contemporary love ballad. shifty.gif

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