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From the Sydney Morning Herald


The ordinary household light globe, which experts say is destroying the world - perhaps even the whole universe - is finally being dealt with by the governments of Earth, and Australia is leading the way. Today the federal Environment Minister will announce a commitment to phase out incandescent light bulbs by 2009-10, cutting our greenhouse gas emissions by a whopping 0.1 per cent! But is it soon enough? Can the brittle planet on which we gambol survive the remaining two-to-three years of the destructive Osram dynasty? Today, The Daily Truth reveals the many steps that ordinary Australian can take to minimise the global damage done between now and 2010.


Keep your light bulbs switched off for as long as possible. When switching them on becomes unavoidable, do something that will compensate for the resulting pollution. For example, water vapour and methane are significant contributors to greenhouse emissions, so try not to shower, boil water for coffee or break wind for the duration of time that the light bulb is in use.


Get your mind active toward thinking of alternative light sources. Candles are popular and may seem more "natural" forms of light, but in reality they emit more pollution in the form of small but not insignificant levels of electromagnetic radiation. Outfitting the whole family with night vision goggles is expensive, but is a great way to safely enjoy nights at home while simultaneously saving the planet from certain ruin.


Rock stars and actors use backstage mirrors that employ a frightening number of light bulbs at once. If you are in the audience prior to a performance, try guessing at when the entertainer might be looking in such a mirror and "boo" very loudly, imploring the crowd to join in. This might encourage the performer to have a good look - and a think! - about what he or she is doing.


In popular folklore, an idea is often represented by the appearance of a light bulb above the head of the person having the original thought. Because the bulb is purely imaginary, and thus escapes all realms of scientific investigation, we cannot know for sure how much damage such light bulbs can do to the atmosphere. Try to avoid having any 'bright ideas' between now and 2010.


Jokes concerned with how many people of certain social groups may be required for the task of changing a light bulb are not only in poor taste and often quite discriminatory, but send the wrong message about our future relationship with the once-popular illumination device. If compelled to tell such a joke, change the activity being performed to something more environmentally sensible, such as the tying of a shoelace or the retrieval of mail from a letterbox (if choosing the latter, be sure to ad a punchline postscript pertaining to the correct recycling of envelopes). Take the opportunity, also, to remove from the joke any generalisations or stereotypes that may suggest one particular social group may be less capable of certain activities than others.


For years, rumors have circulated regarding admissions into hospital emergency wards of gentlemen with light bulbs inserted in their lower orifices, presumably for the purposes of sexual gratification. While it has been customary to laugh at such anecdotes, the truth of the matter is that such reports illustrate one of the few uses of a light bulb that does not damage the environment. When hearing such a story in future, try not to laugh, but instead praise the gentleman in the story as one who, far from being a freak, is deeply concerned about the future of our planet.


Depictions of light bulbs in popular culture can lead to their use and thus should be avoided. Refuse to either watch or rent old episodes of Callan or Catweazle, and register your displeasure at any rental outlet that stocks such programs by smashing the attendant's face in.

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