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Serious situation alert, I thought I would share it and see what other peoples thoughts are as I try to deal with what is going on.

 

Here's the story

 

I have been going out with the same girl for about 3 years now. Well, we broke up for a couple of months earlier this year and during that period I had a very short (and ultimately not very meaningful - but what I thought was "safe") relationship with another lady. It only lasted a week or so. and eventually I realised I loved the g/f and we got back together to give it another go - and we are still together.

 

Here's the news. The other lady has just this week told mee that she is pregnant.... with my child.

 

It's a huge shock and I'm still dealing with it and trying to work things out in my head. She says that she wants the kid, but doesn't need me to be involved - meaning I can basically walk away if I want.

 

Heavy times.

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Wow griller, that's hard.

 

Does the gf know about her at all?

Is she sure she's going to keep it? Would you have a say if you didn't want to keep it?

How long ago was it? I mean how many months pregnant is she?

Is she Japanese? (Thinking about legal stuff and future maintenance/custody issues)

I don't know her and am not judging her but are you sure it's yours? The chances of getting pregnant in a week are pretty low. If she is 12-21 weeks along you can both take blood tests and her an amniocentesis to determine paternity. It's very expensive though. It's the same test that is used for Down's syndrome and my doctor told me it would cost 17man if I wanted it. It is also associated with 1/200 risk of miscarriage so is not for everyone.

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mate, I had a friend who hooked up with a chick very briefly, she got preggas and she said it was his. To cut a long story short, he pretty much changed everything he was doing to go and live in the same city (including university), and decided to take responsibility for it. Things got a bit suspicious, with her ex on the scene and being a prick, and it basically came down to him realising it might not even be his. He asked for a paternity check, and she downright refused. After the baby was born things got even weirder with the ex boyfriend still hanging around and finally she agreed to the test. Turned out it wasn't even his. There isn't really any advice in this, BUT do you know for sure that she wasn't seeing anyone else at the same time? It MAY not be yours anyway. Good luck mate. That's a tough situation to be in.

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1. get her to prove its yours before you even say a thing. She has to prove it. How many other meaningless flings has she had? Deny any obligation until she proves it.

2. you are potentially f u c k e d if it is yours. The right thing to do is take responsibility and give her cash or help find loving home to adopt... or waste the rest of your life living with an unlikeable girl you you slept with once.

3. she is in a harder position than you (unless she is using it to be a manipulative bitch).

4. if it sits ok with you morally then do everything in your power to convince her to get an abortion.

 

I am not a nice guy when it comes to stuff like this and don't regard breeding instincts or the family unit very much at all. If I were you, I'd tell her to get an abortion because you are leaving the country. And if she didn't then I would do just that: leave. Yeah, its nasty but it is your future as much as hers that is about to be totally ruined. It is not so cut and dried if you also consider the welfare of a foetus (which I do not).

 

I strongly recommend the abortion path. It disgusts most people but it very common (at least in Australia). I have escorted more than one girl to a clinic and it is chronically unpleasant and even worse for them. But you wont be alone, those places are busy, with two hour waiting rooms full of people just like you.

 

I wouldn't worry about what you gf of three years thinks, it is the least of your worries. If your relationship is meaningful then you will both work through it. Although you are not going to be very popular for a while.

 

Good luck and thanks for reminding me why I dot like sex.

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Sorry to hear that griller. I'd be very suspicious. Women have control of their fertility, and with that comes responsibility. They also lie and manipulate. Don't be railroaded. Unless she can prove you are the father, walk away.

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Thanks folks, good to hear some feedback even on a weekend. I'd like to hear more if possible as I think things over.

 

Would just like to say that I'm not the type to have flings (I never imagined I'd be in a situation like this) and the lady in question does not seem to be one who sleeps around and is a fairly serious type. I don't know her THAT well though and of course it means little now with the situation I'm in.

 

Keep those thoughts coming, I really appreciate it - I'm glad to have somewhere like this to share.

 

\:\)

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I agree that you are in a really difficult situation, but I think you should also consider how difficult this must be for her.

 

If she gets an abortion it will certainly make life easier for you but she will have to live with that decision her whole life, and I can't imagine it would be a nice feeling.

 

If she decides to keep the baby there is the chance that your girlfriend won't stick around. But who knows? Maybe you will really like being a father. How do you know until it happens?

 

I think even if she decides to terminate the pregnancy you should still tell your girlfriend. I dunno about you but I can't be with someone and keep secrets from them.

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 Quote:
Originally posted by me jane:
If she is 12-21 weeks along you can both take blood tests and her an amniocentesis to determine paternity. It's very expensive though. It's the same test that is used for Down's syndrome and my doctor told me it would cost 17man if I wanted it. It is also associated with 1/200 risk of miscarriage so is not for everyone.
17man!!!! Far out!
My wife had one, the hospital recommended another hospital bcause they couldn't do it. That was 8.5man.
Wife did some research and found a closer hospital that only cost 5-6 man... Damn some places are just damn right into exploiting people in vunerable situations.

Griller, I wouldn't tell your GF till you know that the sprog is yours. Too many of my mates have had this kind of shit happen to them when it wasn't theirs, so going on experiences, don't trust a pregnant woman! ;\)
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 Quote:
Originally posted by nicole:
If she gets an abortion it will certainly make life easier for you but she will have to live with that decision her whole life, and I can't imagine it would be a nice feeling.
Yeah true, but I think it's much worse to bring a kid into this world when they are not wanted. See how many kids are killed these days by stupid idiotic parents who would have been better off getting the op.
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Obviously she wants the child. Who's to say one loving parent isn't enough?

 

All I know is that if some guy demanded that I go get an abortion I would probably punch him in the face. Really ****ing hard.

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 Quote:
Originally posted by Indosnm:
don't trust a pregnant woman! ;\)
mad.gif What's wrong with pregnant women?!!

I agree though.
arrow.gif Get the test done before you make any decisions. You may get lucky and find out there aren't any decisions to make.

Probably worth PMing Indo and getting the info on the place his wife went to. That sounds really cheap though - sounds like she was able to use her insurance or something, which you wouldn't be able to do in this case. You will probably have to pay full cost which could be (but hopefully isn't) the price I was quoted. It's around $1,500 in the US too. The cost to the hospitals of the test kits themselves are about $600 in the States. Because it's not a common test here they may have to send your samples to the US for analysis which pushes up the cost. I'm not sure about that though, I did the quatro screening blood test for chromosomal disorders and they had to send my blood to the states. I did it through my company and only paid cost price and it was still 15,000yen.

BTW people, don't make this thread a debate on the rights and wrongs of abortion. That's not the issue here. ;\)
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Wait a minute, why is he *ucked if it's his?

 

Re-read the original message. She said she wants to have the child and doesn't need you involved and that you can basically walk away if you want.

 

This sounds to me that she wants to have the child and doesn't mind being a single mum to do it. I'd never want to do that myself, I couldn't imagine being a single mum, but I do know that there ARE many women out there who want a child and do it that way - ie - some even have sex just to have a child (without the father).

 

Personally I'm all for abortions if conditions aren't good for having a child. I think it's far better than not being able to meet a growing child's needs and causing them a life of much pain in the process. But it sounds like she wants to have a baby regardless of if the dad's around or not.

 

Defintely you need proof it's your child, but she HAS pointed out to you that she wants the baby whether you're there or not. Of course it may not be easy to live with knowing you have fathered a child even if you don't have any involvement with them. That, I imagine, would be tough. But from your post I'm not seeing her asking you for financial or even emotional support.

 

Of course I guess the risk here is that she might change her tune as the pregnancy progresses or if she finds herself needing more money to look after the kid. I'm not sure how one can deal with that kind of thing. I'm just taking it a face value from the way you worded your post that she wouldn't bother you if you didn't want that.

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 Quote:
Originally posted by sunrise:
Wait a minute, why is he *ucked if it's his?
Because he has no control over the situation.

There are so many potential problems that she is setting herself up for that no-one can know what she will do in the future. I wonder it she has truly thought it through. Presuming she's Japanese she might be loving the idea of having a "kawaii half" at the moment but it wouldn't be an easy life for the child, looking different but being brought up entirely Japanese. Even just the cost of the pregnancy itself, with the minimum of care, in the cheapest hospital, with no complications, will be at least 60man yen. Japanese employers are not very supportive of working mums and many people get fired when their employer finds out they are pregnant. Mums are often only considered suitable for part time work by employers as government child care centres have limited hours and will expect the mother to leave work to pick the child up if they have the slightest fever. Single mums are looked down on here. She might also have trouble with future relationships as how many Japanese men would be willing to take on a "half" and love it as his own (and in doing so admiting to his friends and family that he was taking "some gaijin's sloppy seconds".
With these and so many other potential future difficulties she might well as you say, change her tune.

Even if she doesn't change her tune and griller decides that he does want to "walk away", it's not something he will ever be able to forget and he will always wonder how his child is doing.

If he decides to become a father to the child then it won't be easy for anyone either, living in different households, and in the future possibly in different countries.

If they decide to abort then it's also something they both have to live with.

None of the above are particularly pleasant scenarios for anyone concerned.
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 Quote:
Originally posted by me jane:
 Quote:
Originally posted by Indosnm:
[qb] don't trust a pregnant woman! ;\)
mad.gif What's wrong with pregnant women?!!

That sounds really cheap though - sounds like she was able to use her insurance or something, which you wouldn't be able to do in this case. You will probably have to pay full cost which could be (but hopefully isn't) the price I was quoted. It's around $1,500 in the US too. The cost to the hospitals of the test kits themselves are about $600 in the States. Because it's not a common test here they may have to send your samples to the US for analysis which pushes up the cost. I'm not sure about that though, I did the quatro screening blood test for chromosomal disorders and they had to send my blood to the states. I did it through my company and only paid cost price and it was still 15,000yen.
Me Jane,
- No you can't use insurance with these kind of tests here!
- These tests are common here ( usually for older women) and the hospital that we went to didn't have to send anything oversea's.
- Australia is pretty cheap for this procedure, off the top of my head it was about half of the price we paid here. It depends too if the hospital requires you to stay overnight or not, that's where some places maybe get off charging highers prices, But it(s a simple test that can be done quickly and can leave the hospital the same day ( if someone takes you) 17man is just mafia hospital scam!.. out of interest, how much does it cost you to have your baby at your hosp? ours was 38man..
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 Quote:
Originally posted by sunrise:
Wait a minute, why is he *ucked if it's his?

Re-read the original message. She said she wants to have the child and doesn't need you involved and that you can basically walk away if you want.
You're right. I didn't read the original post properly, just panicked the moment I read 'she preggas'. Geez, that's the second time I got up your nose today. Sorry, didnt mean to.
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Indo,

My hospital is 45man for a standard birth (5 days in hosp)and 30 for a c-section (7 days but the gov subsidises it).

My friend was asking about the amniocentesis in Oz last April and was told AUS$230 but that was subsidised by medicare.

How much did other people pay for births in Japan? I thought 45 was about average with the international hospitals in Tokyo costing about 80. Sounds like you & your wife found a good place.

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Sorry to hear about the position you're in griller. I'm with sunrise and what she said.

 

I didn't know it cost so much to give birth. I hadn't actually thought about it at all, but those numbers surprise me.

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45 sounds like a good price for Tokyo..

My wife went to a pretty well known womens hospital, nice private rooms etc etc..

Others I know have gone to the really famous hospitals, get the same treatment pay 50man+ and get stuck in 4 people rooms.. as well as forking out 12,000 each doc visit, wich adds up especially when the baby is getting closer and you need to go a few times a week eek.gif Can't see what the point is. (besides the gaijin ladies needing the eigo doc)

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