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scouser

SnowJapan Member
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Posts posted by scouser

  1. UKers and heat. "Inevitable things that happen":

     

     

    1. You wake with a raging thirst, exacerbated by slight hangover after getting over-excited by the balmy evening and guzzling down too many summery drinks.

    2. Fatigue due to poor night’s sleep, tossing, turning and huffing on top of clammy covers. You vow to buy a fan for the bedroom, but never actually do.

    3. Doors banging randomly around the house, due to all the windows being open. Vow to buy doorstops, but never actually do.

    4. Open windows mean you get annoyed by your neighbours’ music/loud voices/very existence.

    5. Unnerving amounts of “mankle” on display from men in long trousers. Still, at least it’s better than “mipple”.

    6. Catch whiff of chronic BO in public place and get momentarily paranoid that it’s yours. Surreptitiously sniff your own armpits via a faux-stretch.

    7. Every patch of grass has lunching office workers sat on it, bitching about colleagues and squinting at smartphones with screen glare.

    8. Dog laps noisily at water and someone remarks, “He’s enjoying that.”

    9. You look disapprovingly at a man wearing Birkenstocks/Havaianas in the workplace.

    10. You look disapprovingly at someone wearing sunglasses indoors/on their head after dark. As Larry David says: “You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.”

    11. Catch yourself wearing Birkenstocks/Havaianas/sunglasses-on-your-head but persuade yourself that it’s somehow OK when you do it.

    12. You bemoan the fact that not all British buildings/cars have air-conditioning like “abroad”.

    13. You ineffectually fan the hem of your shirt due to unsavoury patch of back sweat after carrying a rucksack/exiting a car.

    14. People can’t stop Instagramming cocktails/cold beers or taking screenshots of the weather app on their iPhone.

    15. You ogle a passer-by from behind your sunglasses, convinced they can’t tell. They totally can.

    16. You decline a glass of red wine.

    17. You decline sex.

    18. You fancy a glass of rosé or cider with ice in it.

    19. You fancy sex and regret declining it earlier when you were too hot.

    20. Envious glances at smug people in convertible cars. Swiftly followed by hoping they get rained on/pooed on by a seagull.

    21. Miserable git uses sunny weather as a chance to moan about the ozone layer/global warming.

    22. Convince yourself that you look good in a vest. Thankfully, you draw the line at calling it a “wife-beater”.

    23. You argue about whether an annoying insect is a wasp or hover fly. Decide it’s a wasp and panic in undignified manner.

    24. Bemoan fact that you’ve just showered but are already towelling off sweat.

    25. TV news bulletin features shot of policeman with sleeves rolled up/child asleep in pram with ice cream melting down their arm.

    26. Tabloid newspaper features photograph of attractive ladies “frolicking”/“cooling off” in “the surf”.

    27. Broadsheet newspaper features photograph of zoo animal licking ice lolly.

    28. Discover a new level of loathing for grown-ups who wear Crocs.

    29. Someone uses the phrase “Pimm’s o’clock” or remarks that cucumber in a G&T is “refreshing”.

    30. Embarrassing slurpy sound as you get up off a leather seat. Feel obliged to make lame joke so nobody thinks it was a fart.

    31. Unseemly scramble in the supermarket to buy barbecue meat/special offer multi-packs of lager.

    32. Brief fantasy about a burst hydrant being the catalyst for a street party, like in an American movie. The nearest we get to it is a hosepipe ban.

    33. You select a shirt based on its sweat-concealing abilities. Light blue/grey marl = bad. Monochrome = better.

    34. Exchange painful “Got to be done, hasn’t it?”-type pleasantries with another male as you both buy barbecue charcoal.

    35. You’re surprised to notice that someone unexpected has a tattoo, eg. your boss/grandmother/local vicar.

    36. Al fresco alcohol consumption leads to shiny red forehead and nose, like a jovial Victorian uncle. You convince yourself it will tan. It peels.

    37. You wish the stupid heatwave would end and pray for rain, “for the garden”.

  2. SEXUAL intercourse is probably the weirdest thing you will ever do, according to experts.

     

    Researchers into human sexual behaviour have concluded that intercourse is almost too odd to contemplate.

     

    Dr Tom Logan said: “Picture yourself naked and grunting, on top of another person who is making a funny face.

     

    “The stuff you’re saying to each other isn’t even proper sentences, often it’s just swearing.

     

    “The idea is that it is the ultimate expression of love, yet it’s the repetitive interaction of organs used for going to the toilet.

     

    “It’s like something a drug-addicted surrealist painter would come up with.

     

    “Surely a better way to show someone you really like them would be getting them membership to the RSPB or buying them a watch.”

     

    23-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “When you think about what sex actually involves, it’s all very frightening and undignified.

     

    “Luckily I read women’s magazines, so I am ashamed of my naked body, while my boyfriend is addicted to internet porn, so it’s not really a problem.”

     

  3. I didn't think it was a particularly interesting game - Japanese tv presenters say otherwise somehow - but well done Germany.

     

    Kind of glad that Messi Argentina didn't win. Just realised there's more of them than just him! :doh:

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