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Is
Japanese Snow Really Different?
Matt investigates... |
Friends, the Christmas season is upon us. Christmas is a time of charity and
forgiveness, a time to look the other way when someone wipes their hands on
your shirt.
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Dig down deep and reflect upon the last time you performed any charitable
acts. It has been a long time, hasn’t it? Well, that is all the more reason
why you should forgive me for being late with my next column and to accept this
seasonable filler until next week even if it is as hard to swallow as Uncle
Karl’s Egg Nog. Along with our standards the temperature also drops steadily
so, be of good cheer and enjoy!
Is Japanese
Snow Really Different?
By Matt Cox
Some years back, an obscure government trade minister, in a desperate
attempt to protect the Japanese ski manufacturing industry, suggested that,
"Foreign skis will not work in Japan because Japanese snow is
different." Is it true?
To discover if there really is a difference between Japanese and western
snow, I logged onto www.skijapanguide.com,
the ultimate English source of information on anything that is snow related in
Japan. While Skijapanguide was packed like a Marunouchi subway with crucial ski
resort information such as transportation guides, price lists, accommodation
suggestions, and weather forecasts, it offered little information on the
chemical breakdown of Japanese snow. I continued to snowboard the web when I
stumbled upon the JSSI - Japan Society for Snow and Ice – website where I met
Snow Psychologist Aoki Masatoshi. Mr. Aoki told me that, even though there is
no scientific fact supporting it, popular belief holds that Japanese and
western snow is actually different, and that this mistaken opinion originates
in the lyrics of popular Japanese children’s songs. To prove his point, he
sent me an English translation of the song "Frosty Snoyaji."
The word "Snoyaji" is a play on the vernacular "oyaji",
which means ‘dirty old man.’ The stark contrast that is made between the
happy-go-lucky Frosty the Snowman of the West, and the pathetically drunken and
perverse Salary-man Snoyaji of the East fuels the common belief that eastern
and western snow is actually different - see for yourself.
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Frosty
Snoyaji
Frosty Snoyaji was a sorry
drunken soul
With a dark blue suit and a dark blue tie
He was made of yellow snow.
Frosty Snoyaji pushed his way onto the train.
He was made of snow but the girls all know
They’d best stay the hell away.
There must have been some
magic
In that Ozeki One-cup he
drowned,
For when he poured it down his throat
He began to dance around.
O
Frosty Snoyaji was alive just legally,
And the doctor said that he should be dead
But is slaving busily.
Bumpetty Bump Bump. (Repeat)
Look at Frosty go
Burpetty burp burp (Repeat.)
He was made of yellow snow!
Frosty Snoyaji knew
The sun was hot that day
So he said "Oi! Eakon wo
Tsukete-kuretamae!"
Down to the Snack-pub with
a Salem and some booze,
Groping here and there
He became aware
He had puked into his
shoes.
He made a frown and wet the streets of town
with a stinky yellow sop
Even though he knew
He had done the do
Before his pants could drop!
"Chikusho!"
Frosty Snoyaji smoked and drank his life away.
He leaked a sigh
Saying, "Nanda Omae!"
And now he fills a sewer drain.
Humpetty Hump Hump (Repeat)
Look at Frosty go
Bumpety bump bump (Repeat)
He was made of yellow snow!
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Shunned by his colleagues, Mr.
Aoki also believes that the Japanese ski industry is to blame for the mistaken
public opinion of Japanese snow. As proof, he sent a translation of the popular
New Year’s song "In Your Own Homeland", which has a melody
miraculously similar to "Winter Wonderland." One look and I too was
convinced that ski manufacturing giants, Ogasaka and Nishikawa, have a hand in
misleading Japanese children.
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In
Your Own Homeland.
Sirens ring
Are you listening?
He is in pain,
His hair is bristling
He put up a fight
So it’s a hospital night
He imported skis from a foreign land.
They didn’t work
In our snow.
So stay away
From Rossignol
Ogasaka is
The finest there is.
Buy your skis in your own Homeland!
We can meet a Japanese ski champion.
He is the best there is the world round.
"Do you ski Salomon?"
He’ll say, "No Man!"
Those foreign devil sticks
Will bring you down!
The white men
Will conspire
To make Nishikawa retire
But we face unafraid
The plans that they’ve made
‘Cause we buy our skis in our own homeland!
In the city you can see a white man
Doesn’t he look like a circus clown?
He’ll try to sell you K2, Simms, or Elan,
It’s your national duty to turn him down!
When it snows
Ain’t it thrillin’?
Foreign ski sales
Are really illin’!
Thanks to consumers who say
There’s no other way!
We’ll buy our skis in our own homeland!
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So, fortunately for ski manufacturers, there is
no scientific evidence to support a difference between Japanese and western
snow but, unfortunately, it will take decades to erase the misled opinion
generated by the Japanese ski industry.
There, that wasn’t too bad was it? Hey, be of
good cheer! Next week, everything you want to know about maintaining your
board, I promise!
Matt
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