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Many thanks to Maki Shiraishi for her help
with the photographs in this article.
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The coming winter must be the reason I love the fall so much. I
spend my autumn days in mental preparation for what will surely be the best
season on record. Yet, I must admit to myself that, other than flipping
dreamily through resort pamphlets and snowboard catalogues, there is some
physical preparation I should do before I make that first glorious run. But
what is the best way to use these preseason months to prepare myself
physically? I hardly know so I asked some snowboarding acquaintances of mine
about preseason training.
They call themselves the S.L.s and they claim that they came
from a distant planet to rid the earth of every remaining trace of infected
(ski) culture by any means necessary. The first time I saw these intense
snowboarders was on an off-piste run last year in Niseko. I wanted to speak to
them but, they never slowed down so, I didn’t get the chance. Quite
fortunately, I noticed them again in Zao two months later - as you will see
from the pictures below, the S.L.s are immediately recognizable – but this
time I didn’t miss the chance, I chased them down and made my introductions.
Whether you agree with their political - some consider it holy
- ambition to rid the world of skiers, or their maniacal belief that they are
extra-terrestrial aliens is your own choice but, you can not deny that the four
S.L.s: Aswaa, Horsecrippler, LWA, and Sobacrotch, spend a lot of time
snowboarding. So, when I learned that they were going to be in Tokyo, I caught
up with them to see if I could learn any of their pre-season training secrets.
This is what I discovered:
SJG: What
does S.L. stand for?
SOBACROTCH:
I’m not sure if we are supposed to mention it on this site…
HORSECRIPPLER:
It’s something French.
SJG: OK.
What is with the yukata robes and the afros?
ASWAA: For
our mission, it is imperative that we remain absolutely inconspicuous and
anonymous.
HORSECRIPPLER:
Yes. As you can see, with our black hair and our traditional style of Japanese
dress, we don’t stand out at all. We must blend in so that no one realizes
that we have penetrated deep into the heart of Japanese society.
SJG:
…Maybe we should get on with the topic at hand. What tips can you give to our
readers who are interested in pre-season training?
LWA: (In a
loud voice, visibly disgusted.) I don’t understand it! Earthlings confuse me.
Every year, at exactly the same time, the temperature drops, the snow starts to
fall, and people begin snowboarding but they have the nerve to act surprised
that winter is here. They say things like, "Oh, I’m so out of shape, I
wasn’t ready for the winter this year." What, did they expect that
winter wasn’t going to come? I just don’t get it!
SOBACROTCH:
What LWA is trying to say is that is that he can’t imagine why people would
not take the time to make themselves ready for the most important season of the
year. The secret is that you should never really stop snowboarding.
SJG:
But you can’t board during the summer…
LWA: I
bring my board everywhere I go!
ASWAA:
Well, apart from snowboarding, there are some exercises that you can do to keep
yourself in shape. If you can set aside 20 – 30 minutes a day for these
exercises, you can be ready shape for the season.
SJG: Great!
Exercises! What types of exercises?
ASWAA:
Well, we like to divide preparation into five categories: strength, endurance,
flexibility, mental, and military.
SJG: OK,
let’s just go through those categories. Tell me about strength training.
ASWAA:
There are a number of exercises you can do to increase muscle strength. Not
only is leg strength important, but stomach strength plays an important role as
well - especially if you fall down a lot like Horsecrippler does. I’ve
noticed a lot of people getting up early in the morning around Tokyo and doing
a sort of vomiting exercise in the train station. That is great for building
abdominal strength but it is no substitute for the traditional sit-up.
For building leg strength, squats are a great exercise and
Japanese toilets are perfect for practicing squats! (All S.L.s nod their heads
in agreement.) In addition, getting down all fours and doing leg lifts by
lifting your leg back to a straight position and also doing leg lifts while on
your side is very helpful. Leg lunges are also vital, and don’t forget about
push-ups – all of these can be done while vomiting if you feel like doubling
up.
Japanese toilets are perfect for squats
SOBACROTCH:
Triceps exercises are also important. Traditionally you lean back on the floor
and lift your torso off the floor with your hands flat on the ground while
keeping your butt on the floor – like sitting up without using your stomach
muscles – and this is also a great way to stretch out your wrists. What I
prefer to do, however, is to jump over the ticket gates at the train station. I
make up for the wrist stretches by just getting drunk afterward, which often
leads to an intense set of those vomiting abdominal thrusts Aswaa was talking
about. Also, don’t forget to stretch out your thumbs so you don’t shatter
them into useless claws when you fall (Sobacrotch holds up a hideously
malformed claw where his hand used to be.)
Ticket gates are swell for working the triceps!
HORSECRIPPLER:
Another great thing about jumping the ticket gates is that you save a lot of
money on train fare. Sometimes, if you are lucky, the train-man chases you
through the station which makes for great endurance training!
LWA:
Or military training!
HORSECRIPPLER:
Yeah! You can turn around, grab your razor-sharp snowboard and…
SJG:
Wait! Someone mentioned endurance training. Can we cover that before we get
ahead of ourselves?
HORSECRIPPLER:
You know, endurance training. Every day, for 20 – 30 minutes you should do an
exercise like running, cycling, roller blading, or anything else that gets the
heart rate up, if you know what I mean…(Horsecrippler winks.)
SOBACROTCH:
I thought you said at least 20 minutes…
HORSECRIPPLER:
Shut up! Anyway, as I was saying, you can tell if your heart rate is being
stressed sufficiently if you are breathing heavily throughout the exercise.
Just don’t push yourself too hard, if you are constantly coughing up blood or
fainting you should probably take it down a couple of notches.
SJG:
What was next?
SOBACROTCH:
Stretches! Leg stretches like foot and ankle rotations are very important. Calf
muscles should be stretched each day by leaning against a wall and pushing the
ankle of each foot down to the floor. Thighs can be stretched from the same
position by grabbing your foot at the ankle and pulling it toward your butt.
You must also stretch your inner thighs by spreading your feet apart and
leaning side to side
ASWAA:
Enough of this thigh talk, I’m getting excited! Is it getting hot in here?
Anyway, you should also stretch your sides by putting your arm over your head
and leaning side to side, left to right. Also stretch your shoulders by
grabbing your arm at the elbow and pulling it across your body. Finally, neck
semi-circles and wrist stretches should be done.
SJG:
What do you do to mentally prepare yourself for the season?
Pachinko is a nice way to clear the mind before a hectic
season
HORSECRIPPLER:
If you are going to be a successful snowboarder, your mind must be as clear as
gin! We find that nothing clears your mind like a few hours of Pachinko! After
you have cleared your mind, you should imagine yourself successfully
accomplishing your snowboarding tasks. If you have space, spin around while you
are imaging a perfect backside 180, or even a 360.
One other important thing that can be developed off-season is
balance! LWA likes to take his board and ride it on the trains here in Tokyo to
develop his sense of balance.
Used properly, Tokyo subways can improve your
balance
LWA:
I don’t get it! How can people on this planet have such lousy balance when
there are so many trains on which to practice? Who put those safety handles on
the trains? There are no safety handles out there in the real world – out
there on the mountain while snowboarding! It just doesn’t make sense!
SJG:
Well, I guess we are just about out of time so…
ASWAA:
No! You’re forgetting about the most important part, military training!
LWA:
The un-blooded snowboard must never be re-sheathed in its carrying case! If the
board is un-sheathed, a skier must die! ALL SKIERS MUST DIE!
ALL S.L.s:
ALL SKIERS MUST DIE!
LWA:
Currently, the number of skiers on this planet is astounding! Skiers actually
outnumber snowboarders in this backwards world! The snowboarder must be
prepared at all times to defend himself. In order to defend himself, he must
follow a strict daily regiment of military exercises! WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?
The un-blooded snowboard should never be re-sheathed!
ALL S.L.s:
TO DESTROY YOUR ENEMIES, TO…
SJG:
Stop! Hold on! This is getting out of hand!
LWA:
Insolent fool! You dare overstep S.L. authority? ATTACK! ATTACK! AAAHHHHH!!!!
Well, I did finally make it out of there, but I’m not sure if
I will be able to call on them again. Even though it was quite tense at times,
I hope you have learned as much as I have about the importance of being ready
for the season. We still have a few weeks of autumn to prepare so, get to it!
Thanks for reading, see you in a couple of weeks!
Matt
