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I greatly appreciate the SnowJapan team for electing me again this year
as the Chairman of the ‘Board so I can continue to keep you all up to date on
what would otherwise be unimportant irrelevant dribble.
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However, there are times when a self-proclaimed columnist must utilize his
position to inform you, the snowboarding public, of the grim threats that could
potentially violate your daily freedoms, and now is one of those times. So, I
must issue a call to all snowboarders to unite around the globe against the
common threat of the killer freestyle ski-bots from outer space.
Grab your boards and run for the hills! I know, the snow has only just begun
to fall but the potential danger – no, annoyance! – of having these killer
freestylin’ ski-bots from outer space on the loose is just too great for any
civil-minded member of society to bear!
Three robots that can only be described as ‘totally killer’ by skiers
who are, as is made obvious by their choice of winter sports, still hopelessly
lodged in the 80’s, are at large and extremely dangerous to anyone who
happens to be standing at the bottom of the jump-ramp at the wrong time!
The three ‘killer’ ski-bots were produced by mad professor Kazuo Yoshida
at the Department of Mechanical Engineering at Keio University in Hiyoshi under
the auspices of the ‘study of aerospace dynamics.’ Yoshida, who
incredulously claims no knowledge of his robots evil plot to dominate the air
space of snowboarders one jump at a time, insists that the robots were produced
only as a "harmless experiment to create a robot that can move freely in
outer-space without the assistance of jet propulsion." As the professor
explains, "without the presence of any surface or force to create friction
in outer-space it is extremely difficult for machines to change directions
freely without using propulsion. By creating a robot that can launch itself
into the air with the assistance of a one-make, it is possible to imitate outer
space conditions and experiment minimally with aerospace dynamics."
Mad
Professor Yoshida with a third generation freestyle ski-bot, a world-dominating
gleam in his eyes, and a sinister grin
A claim to which Colin Powell, the U.S. Secretary of State - but more
well-known for his amazing contribution to the world of snowboarding with the
creation of the ‘Macarthur J-Twist,’ a move that has since been be re-named
the ‘McTwist’ and has gone on to become one of the most popular freestyle
tricks in the universe – replied, "Whatever buddy!"
Powell makes a valid point. If you wanted to grab phat air to study
aerospace dynamics here on earth, why wouldn’t you create a snowboarding
robot? Yoshida has reasonably countered that the creation of a snowboarding
robot would be much more difficult because, unlike a skier, a snowboarder
requires "knees and a sense of balance" which from a robot
producer’s point of view is a difficult challenge. Therefore, the imitation
of the less-evolved skier seemed like the logical starting point. While the
professor’s logic is clearly untainted, laziness is no excuse for the
creation of slope-hogging freestyle ski-bots. Amazingly, Japanese authorities
have not yet detained Yoshida.
The first robot looks like a converted ’97 Mitsubishi BO-F10 thermostat
controlled toaster oven and can perform either a 360 or a whirlybird but not a
combination of both, which is no consolation, believe you me! The second
evolution of the robot, the brains of the outfit, was far more advanced. It was
designed to look like a filing cabinet and to take into consideration its
environment at jump time. While this advancement proved difficult, it was
apparently a step in the wrong direction because what logically thinking being
would volunteer to launch itself into a twisting-flip off of a snow ramp time
after time when it can be out enjoying the backcountry conditions instead? The
third robot proved to be just the combination of servo-stupidity the professor
sought, it can perform a full twisting back flip "without even thinking
about it", even though it looks like a pile of leftover railroad gear-box
components.
Alone these robots pose no real danger but together, if they blow the
landing to just one jump, they could spread shrapnel for miles in a high-tech
21st century ‘yard sale’ rivaled only by Akihabara. This violent
gang of three was last seen at Akakura Onsen where they were apparently,
"going straight" due again to their character-limiting lack of knees.
The actual time of this last sighting was not reported so, depending on which
direction they were pointed, they could be well within range of Shiga Kogen,
Hakuba, or even Nozawa Onsen. According to experts at NASA however, they are
probably "lying in cold, crumpled, metal heap at the bottom of the No. 2
Champion Pair Lift at Shinakakura." Good God, let’s hope so!
Ski-bot demonstrating it’s
‘killer’ array of stunts at Keio University’s
Evil Robot Testing Lab
What can we as holiday fun-seekers do against such a high-tech threat? Prime
Minister Junichiro Koizumi, shortly after comparing himself to actor Steve
McQueen in a reference that nobody completely understood, issued a warning to
all fellow snowboarders. "If you see something that resembles a
rice-cooker, vacuum cleaner, or badly damaged laser disc karaoke machine skiing
on the slopes this season, chances are it is actually a killer free-style robot
from outer space." Boarders are urged to think of themselves and their
families first and to get as far away as humanly possible from the threat or,
"to just pull the plug." In order to ensure that the threat is
completely dissolved, the Diet has past a bill allowing snowboarders to sharpen
their boards, take to the hills, and decapitate anything suspicious or simply
anything that is on skis, "just in case."
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Pictures
of the latest two-planking threat from outer-space issued
by the Japanese Self Defense Forces |
What can we as holiday fun-seekers do against such a high-tech threat? Prime
Minister Junichiro Koizumi, shortly after comparing himself to actor Steve
McQueen in a reference that nobody completely understood, issued a warning to
all fellow snowboarders. "If you see something that resembles a
rice-cooker, vacuum cleaner, or badly damaged laser disc karaoke machine skiing
on the slopes this season, chances are it is actually a killer free-style robot
from outer space." Boarders are urged to think of themselves and their
families first and to get as far away as humanly possible from the threat or,
"to just pull the plug." In order to ensure that the threat is
completely dissolved, the Diet has past a bill allowing snowboarders to sharpen
their boards, take to the hills, and decapitate anything suspicious or simply
anything that is on skis, "just in case."
