There's A Kuma In Them Woods Upon my arrival to Japan as a member of the Japanese English and Teaching (JET) Program, I was deluged with news about my future home (Iwate Prefecture), that had not been included in the vast supply of informative material that had been sent to me before my arrival.

Needless to say, I was not very pleased to discover that there was an active volcano called Mount Iwate 12 MILES FROM MY APARTMENT!!!!!!! Unfortunately this was not to be the last of my Post-Arrival Discoveries of Danger in Japan. Somehow the people who put together the pre-departure handbook for incoming Iwate JETs, did not mention good ol` Iwate-Chan. They did appraise me of the nickname of the prefectural advisor (The Grimace, as he had a strong physical similarity to the mythological creature from 1970s-era McDonalds commercials), what places in Iwate had the best fast food, (being an inveterate sushi freak, this was unimportant), and how to say diarrhea in Japanese (geri). Yet it did not occur to anyone that an active volcano might be important to me? This was not the only direct threat to my life, health, and well being that I may encounter in Iwate that was somehow omitted from my sphere of knowledge until it was too late to do anything about it.

A certain CIR (Coordinator for International Relations/Translator/Interpreter) for the JET program who wishes to remain nameless (you can spell his name G-A-R-Y S-I-M-M-O N-S, there, I did not tell you his name), said that when he was a tour guide for Japanese tourists in his native land of Australia, he often had to warn the tourists about Jump Bears. Jump Bears, it seems, are indistinguishable from their cute, furry cousin the Koala Bear. The Jump Bear however is equipped with six-inch retractable claws and razor sharp teeth. While not lethal to humans, they are carnivorous, and have been know to prey on old, young, and infirm kangaroo. In extreme cases, they have even killed dingo. To a human they can inflict a nasty wound. Several humans have lost fingers, toes and even eyes to Jump Bear attack. The largest shame of the situation is that the Australian Chamber of Commerce, looking at millions of dollars in lost tourism revenue, denies even the existence of Jump Bears. If you do not believe me just call the Australian Embassy in Tokyo (or the consulate in Yamagata).

However, denial of such dangerous creatures is standard policy around the world. In my home state of Vermont, little publicity is given to the vicious fauna, as the state is heavily dependent on tourist expenditures. An example of this is the Belgian Green breed of cow. You do not see Vermont souvenir cow t-shirts or Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream trademark Cow-Moo-Flauge baseball cap with tell tale green patches, characteristic of the Belgian Green breed do you? Heck Fahr, Belgian Greens are the meanest breed of cow in existence, often killing squirrels, fox, and other smaller creatures just for fun. Have you ever seen cows playing soccer with a gopher? It is not a pretty sight. If they were not the best milkers of any breed of cow, we Vermonters would burn them all in the biggest hamburger sale in history.

In my travels around the world, I have encountered the same types of mis- (or lack thereof) information in many places. The Finnish government would have you believe that the Reindeer is a docile, warm-hearted willing assistant to Santa Claus. Santa, according to Finland, just happens to live and work in Rovaniemi, Finland, the largest center of population at or above the Arctic Circle, in the world. Yeah SHHHURE! I, Dean Holden Ruetzler, moonlight as the Easter Bunny for spare cash too. To quote the early 1990s media icon, Dana Carvey`s Church Lady, Oh, HOW Conveeeinent! The truth is Reindeer are very ill tempered animals with a taste for alcohol (especially Koskenkorva, Finnish sake), cigarettes, and promiscuous fornication. Have you ever thought about how Vixen got her name? I will not go in to how Dancer and Prancer got theirs, or their less famous reindeer friends Pornstar, Street Hustler, and Badboy, and the Reindeer games they play.

Reindeer were just the start of my troubles in Finland. Hungry Polar Bears would often find their way to my town. In the mornings, I had to take raw meat and throw it to the far side of my driveway, to get the bears attention focused of the potential of my being their next meal. Then I would quickly sprint down the near side of the driveway to work.

When I taught in Slovakia I was warned, but not about the dangerous flora. Watch out for Slavic women! seemed to be the proliferating warning. No matter what country I am in (Japan, Finland, The United States), I wholeheartedly ignore that warning. Sometimes it is a good thing to ignore warnings.

For those of you who have not spent a lot of time in Iwate Prefecture, I would like to take the time to warn you about the following sentient organisms. Pay careful attention, it may save your life if you choose to go outdoors in Iwate.

JAPANESE CROWS (Crowus Growus Biggus Hereus): I am sure you have noticed the large size of the crows if you have ever been to Japan. Be careful you can lose a finger or an eye to a Japanese Crow very quickly. Several of my students and co-workers have had previous run-ins with these crows. They are very dangerous, as they are products of centuries of selective breeding for aggressiveness, ferocity, and size.

In perhaps the worst display of human cruelty to animals this side of the kitten juggling prevalent in Mexico and Central America, Karasu Kakatou (or Crow Fighting) have been popular in Japan, and parts of China, Laos, and Bhutan since the 3rd Century BC.  Nowadays, they are highly illegal, but still frequently held in the backs of Pachinko parlors of questionable repute. In these fights crows are put in harnesses that allow freedom of movement and flight and attached to a twenty-five foot leash. The crows are then maneuvered against each other by skilled handlers in a bloody fight to the death. The recently ousted Prime Minister, Yoshihiro Mori, is rumored to make his only public appearances at a Pachinko Parlor in Tottori Prefecture, to place bets on these fights. The all time grand champion fighting crow was a 4th Century AD crow who lived in Aomori Prefecture. Taro-Kun, as he was called weighed 25 kilograms, was three-and-a-half feet long, and ate rabbits whole. Modern Japanese crows are Taro's descendants - BE CAREFUL!

SUMO (OR FAT) BEARS (Canus Anus Majoris Problemus): Contrary to popular belief, Konishiki was not the first foreign Sumo wrestler to be denied a yokozuna (grand champion) ranking he deserved, because he was not Japanese. Ian "Fat Bastard" McTaggitt was a successful sumo wrestler who came to Japan on a Scottish trading ship in the 13th century AD.  He was not allowed to return to Scotland as the rest of the crew threatened mutiny if forced to return to Scotland with him. The pilot's log listed the cause as flatulence problems of an extreme nature. He stayed in Japan, and quickly found his way to the sumo stable, learned the language, and married a native. After winning his forty-seventh consecutive tournament, and still finding himself being ranked goozeki (Second-level sumo wrestler), he went insane and ran into the woods where he had unnatural relations with a female Brown Bear. This mating produced some very large offspring that have now been mating with regular bear populations for centuries. They are similar in size and ferocity to a Grizzly or Kodiak bear and in addition are very familiar with sumo wrestling techniques. If a bear starts to spread salt on the ground near you, clap its hands loudly, slaps its ample belly decisively, and starts to balance on one leg, there is only one chance for you to survive. Quickly mimic the bear's moves, assume a sumo wrestlers stance and say Yokozuna ni naru hazu da! (You should be a grand champion sumo wrestler!). The bear will recognize you as a supporter of its human forefather and grant you safe passage through the woods.

SNOW SNAKES (Repitlus Slimius Vulcanus Comeus Fromus): Most dangerous in winter, Snow Snakes have a unique ecological niche. Being cold blooded, snakes often hibernate during the winter. Snow Snakes warm themselves on Mount Iwate`s underground lava flows. This allows them to travel across the snow as long as they move quick enough to cause warming friction on the snows surface. They often hunt in packs of 25-1000 snakes using each other's body heat to stay warm. Possessing razor sharp teeth these piranhas of the snow can strip a cow to its mere skeleton in minutes. Needless to say they are a huge hazards for skiers, snowboarders, competitive snowman makers, bobsledders, and other winter sports enthusiasts. The thing that will keep you safest is Japanese ski fashion. Unlike most snakes, which rely on their sense of smell, these snakes rely on their vision. Japanese ski fashion, which is merely a distasteful eyesore to most humans, is nearly blinding to a Snow Snake. So if you are going skiing in Japan, and a fellow skier obsequiously says Suteeki na jakketto da! (Cool jacket!!), you are safe.

These are not the only dangerous animals in Iwate. Saber-toothed Squirrels, carnivorous Dragonflies, House-sized Luna Moths (You thought Mothra was imaginary?), Kappa, and Pit Tanuki are all to be watched out for too. Please enjoy the Wide and Various Natures of Iwate (Taken from an official Iwate publication, clearly NOT translated by a native speaker of English!), but...hey, be careful out there (Shamelessly taken from Hill Street Blues). Practice Safe Nature.